Downhill Chretien Not attending King Hussein's funeral makes Jean Chretien the newest dope on the slope Chicken Cannon News The Chicken Cannon News scores a direct hit on Juan Antonio Samarranch. Topics covered - mourning King Hussein, Boris Yeltsin turns 68, new Toronto beer, Barbie turns 40, smuggling immigrants into Buffalo, Exorcism For Dummies, new Olympic mascot, Clinton acquitted, Jerry Falwell's favourite Teletubby, Vancouver Grizzlies, new Toronto cat law Nancy Wilson and Colin Thatcher Convicted murderer Colin Thatcher can't keep his horse in jail Bouchard - State of the Province Lucien Bouchard is upset with the new social contract, it leaves Quebecers with nothing to bitch about Elton John Tribute Elton John sings about the loss of his closest friend, Wiarton Willy Mike's Valentine Thoughts Mike from Canmore writes a Valentine poem Tobin Media Conference Re-elected Newfoundland Premier Brian Tobin denies he has bigger cod to fry Political

• Penelope Corrin
• Luba Goy
• Craig Lauzon